The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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