The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
