My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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