My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
