Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I am available for nakedness
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
