I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
