Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
