she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
