my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
