So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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