Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
