you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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