you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
