Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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