Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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