hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
