my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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