If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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