you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
