When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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