Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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