He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
