worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
