It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
