Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
