ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
