There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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