There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
