Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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