I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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