Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
