If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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