It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
