Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
