This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
