I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
