yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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