I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
