I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
