the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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