Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
