Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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