Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
