Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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