I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
my poor anus
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize