He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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