Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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