I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
