Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
