i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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