Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
