i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
either way he was missing a nipple.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
