Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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