I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
