She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
