so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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