Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
