hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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