It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
