I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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