When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
