Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
