I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
